


The Things We Cannot Undo/Redo

by angededesespoir



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers, bertholdt is also mentioned, kinda AUish i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 08:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8006230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angededesespoir/pseuds/angededesespoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jean learns from Armin how Marco died.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things We Cannot Undo/Redo

**Author's Note:**

> _(This is also posted[here](http://angededesespoir.tumblr.com/post/150240682500/the-things-we-cannot-undoredo).)_
> 
>  
> 
> _I had some JM feels……_
> 
> _Anyway, this is an AU where Bertholdt actually revealed to Armin what happened to Marco instead of just flashbacking to it._
> 
> _I should also mention that I’m like 15 chapters behind & I only know what I’ve seen from spoilers, so….._

His hand shakes on blade hilt he has kissed a thousand times- poor replacement for the man that used to be (and still is, in a way) his blade, shield, and resolve. The only thing restraining him now- the flurry of emotion, the wave of memory ( _how he had pleaded, pleaded for anyone to step forward, tell him what happened, how this could be_ ), the feel of Armin’s hand gently squeezing his shoulder.

He should have known, should’ve seen sooner, should’ve been there, should’ve saved him.

It is hard to breathe. Someone is calling his name- they sound far away and, honestly, it doesn’t matter. He is gone. All he can picture is Marco- crying out, begging for help- _what were his last thoughts? last words?_ \- and then crushing bone, splatter of blood, cries silenced.

And to think, to think…..he ran across him by chance. He could have been overlooked. Even so much as a body, let alone a story, left unrecovered. 

But he had been the one to find him, haul his body to pile of names and anonymities, feel the heat of erasure, wonder if bones retained a portion of being, if these bones were his….. _if he squeezed these bones hard enough, would they become one with his being?_

He is still shaking when reality tries to reach out- the light pressure of Armin’s arms around him, Eren’s hand on his shoulder- _pathetic_ expression- asking if he’s okay, the hopeless expressions of the others.

How does he process this? What does he do with this information? …..How does he go on?

He wants to (should want to) stab them, crush them, teach them the regret he suffers from. But Annie is still in cage of ice, Reiner snatched away- whereabouts unknown, Bertholdt is gone -tainting Armin, but the reason he is still here now- and the memory of his head splitting between jaws is not satisfying, but numbing and nauseating [just like the memory of what they did to Reiner]. (In the back of his mind, Bertholdt’s words still echo, though he tries to forget. _‘Who do you think actually wants to kill people? Who likes doing something like this?’_ )  
And even if he could get revenge, it would accomplish nothing. He knows this. He can never bring Marco back.

 _Marco, Marco_ ….. he could never understand. Why? Why him?

 _Why not himself?_

He wonders what he has done to deserve to live this long, to deserve to live when Marco cannot.

If he could, he would change a million things. And if he still couldn’t have saved him, at least he’d have made more use of their short time together, would’ve shown the boy just how much he meant to him.

Maybe he would’ve done more than share shadow kisses, brush hands under table. Maybe he wouldn’t have resisted urge to curl by his side at night- gather warmth and let go of loneliness.

But he cannot turn back time. He can only hold onto memories at night like he once did bones.

The best way he can avenge Marco, he thinks, is to continue living. Is to bring peace to as many people, to let them live dreams that seemed impossible. 

The best way to carry on, was to think of others instead of himself- just like Marco used to do.

He wraps arms -now forced steady- around the boy in front of him. He will not let him go. 

He will let him know, while he still can, how important he is, how much he and his sacrifice mean.

_“Thank you.”_


End file.
